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My new nickname should be eternal eye drops. Well, not „eternally”, just as long as I exist. God must be the master of irony. But I don’t need this friendly reminder, two times a day for the rest of my life. It’s not like I could ever forget.
It’s so much darkness around and truth be told, I’m not scared, I’m frightened.
I’ve never felt so lonely in my entire life. When I was in college I had only books, I was meeting my classmates only during classes, but I was content, peaceful. I wasn’t missing something or someone, I had my books and my writings and it was enough. Now I feel empty, completely alone, surrounded only by despair.
Five years ago I thought that there is no bigger pain that what I felt then. Well, how wrong I was!
I haven’t cried so much not even when my grandmother died, and I loved her with all my heart.
I’m not leaving the apartment for days and I seriously consider sleep aids to minimize the waking hours.
I think something’s wrong with my mind too, but since I can see all the disaster that is now my life, I’m not insane enough to be considered insane.
I feel trapped. I don’t want to face people and I need to face them to survive. I need confidence to survive, but the only person who believed in me left me. So what the fuck is confidence when you’re a disposable shit?
I’m trapped in this huge cage with monsters and the only escape seems death. But hello, they say death will send me to hell, to suffer even more and of course I’m a coward.
So I exist like a vegetable. I died three months ago and no force can reanimate this empty shell. My inner fire is just dark smoke and ashes.
And they all say „forget, get up, have hope, love yourself”. Like hell I can love this fucking nothing who lost everything, who’s worth so much that everyone gives up on it eventually!
Time passes and nothing’s changing and I’m sinking further into despair, becoming something that I despise.


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