Sari navigarea

My heart hurts so much I can’t stop the tears, not even when I’m not alone. How can my pain be seen as coldness and anger? How can my love be rejected with so much coldness and maybe disgust? How can THE ONE who saw the real me think and feel like that about me now? Why? Why? What did I do to her? What did I do so wrong? I gave her my heart and all I get is indifference and rejection.


There’s fault in every step I take
in my every word
in my silence as well.
Guilty of not faking a smile
of losing my sight and my faith.
There’s fault in my existence
and there will be fault in my death.
But what hurt the most
is that the one who saw my naked heart
now sees only the fault,
like all they loved in me died
and all that’s left is despicable.

Not a single day without tears
and many days when my knife tries to ease
the neverending torture that rips my heart apart.
Sobbing in the bathtub every single time
remembering crunbled dreams.
You destroyed them all
and I still have to crawl through this empty, dark world that I hate.
Wishing for that day
when death will end my pain
or make it worse and eternal
I don’t care.
All I cared about is gone
That day
must materialize soon
this is my prayer
and I work on it.

I told you that you are my love
and I want to spend my life with you.
One day I stabbed you
and you disappointed me so badly, baby.
Why are you so shocked and angry?
Why are you bleeding and crying?
Why aren’t you calm and collected?
Look at me, I did what I had to do
and now I’m having fun,
why can’t you be like that too?
If you love me you should be happy for me,
hide this disgusting blood that flows from your heart
and smile at me from distance,
never callig me back, never wanting me again.
Your pain is so slefish
you broke my heart.
You don’t love me,
love means to smile when I crush you
and move on like nothing happened.

So this is it. I’ve lost everything. There’s no sense in fighting for nothing. I am nothing. And I can’t take all this shit anymore. Maybe only death can end this pain.

What is happening this year has an unreal character, like a nightmare that come true.

Last night my mother hit me and kicked me out of the apartment. I spent the night out in the cold and eventually I found shelter in a stairwell. My father called at at 5 in the morning (after they both slept peacefully) asked me to come back and unlocked the door.

They think I learned my lesson, to never question their authority again and never do something against their will again.

I’ve learned a lesson, all right, but not that one. I found out the hard way that I have absolutely nothing and no one. I have nowhere to go and no one that cares about me, no one to help me. My parents tolerate me in their house as long as I am their slave and I don’t dare to ask respect or act on my true character. My sister is the only one who cares about me, but she’s as hopeless as I am.

Starting from now, my only options are suicide or psychological and semi-physical slavery.

How long will I exist like that? This is the culmination of pain and I’m alone and hopeless.

Of course now I’m writing here because they’re not home.

It’s incredibly painful and frustrating when you want to say something and the others understand the opposite. And you will never be able to make them see what you truly wanted to say.

All I wanted was to write about how she was my happiness, my true and amazing happiness, how much she means to me, how wonderful she was in my eyes. About how hurt I was not because she had to leave, but because she left me forever when I believed she will leave just for a while. About how desperate and confused that unexpected choice made me. About how despite all that, I still love her and believe in her wonderful, kind and sweet heart.

This was the message I wanted to send.
It was all about my heart calling hers, trying to reach her heart.
She understood that I wanted to blame, embarrass and hurt her, that I wanted revenge.
How is that possible, I have no idea.
I love her. I still believe that everything is messed up because we’re both hurting and we react badly.

All this mess revealed our fears: my fear that she will stop loving me and she will forget me, her fear that I hate her and I want revenge.

She does nothing to assuage my fear. On the contrary. Not only that she doesn’t regret leaving me and she doesn’t miss me, she’s ashamed of our love, of what we lived together.

I will assuage her fear. Not only by saying again that I love her and I don’t want to hurt her.
I will stop posting personal stuff.
I will let my despair eat me alive without posting something about it, because everything I write is seen as an offense.
I’m truly sorry for everything I did wrong.

My heart hurts and there’s no cure. Everyone says ‘I’ve been there, it will get better, I promise’. But they forget that we are different, every person is different, every person reacts in their own way and what was possible for you in one or two years it may be possible for me in five years or more and I might get insane or desperate enough to kill myself in the meantime. But no, I’m just overreacting, isn’t it? They think I’m overreacting and they tell me bullshit.

It might get better if I find a damn motivation. But there’s no such thing, I have nothing, I am nothing. You’re not and you haven’t been in my place, so don’t you fucking promise me shit ‘cause I’m sick of promises.

Everyone is a liar. We are liars, fucking fake moving shit. I hate humans. I can’t stand them anymore. Of course I can’t stand myself in the first place.

How do I make my heart turn into stone and how do I silence my thoughts, my memories? How do I turn my love into indifference and my desperation into strength?

There is no way.

I should kill myself. But funny thing, I can’t do that because they say I will go straight to Hell, and the pain will follow me there with even more force.

I can’t live anymore. I can’t die. So what the fuck can I do? Where can I run from this unbearable pain?

My mind is mocking me, is sabotaging itself.

I dreamed my ‘proposal’. We were in a public place. I went down on one knee in front of her and I said „God asks me to give Him everything I am. I give that to you instead.” And we kissed; long, wonderful kisses.

Then I woke up in my everyday hell.

Sleep ceased to be an escape for me; she’s haunting my dreams. This is getting too much, way too much. Where can I run away from myself?