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Oh my God! No, no! This can’t be happening.

An alarm clock set earlier than usual woke me up in the middle of a dream. Disturbing, unsettling dream.
What I suspected is true. I dream of her, I dream of her every night, only I can’t remember those dreams in the morning.
But today I woke up in the middle of the dream and there was no way I could go back to sleep after that. I just lay there shocked and disconcerted, fighting tears. My subconscious is tricking me.

We were watching some strange thing on TV, a movie or something (there were two other girls besides us there) and it had an unexpected end that made them laugh. I didn’t get the joke so I looked at her confused and feeling stupid. At some point we got closer and she was leaning towards me, slowly, not touching me yet. I wasn’t seeing her face but I closed the distance between us, I put my arm around her shoulders and I kissed her temple. We stayed like that for a while. And, God! I can still feel the sensations. Suddenly I clenched my fist and I said „I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t go through this again” but I kept holding her. She moved away and then I saw her face wet with tears and my heart melted. I tried to touch her face, thinking that she got it all wrong and desperate to stop her tears, to assure her that I still love her. She told me that next time when she will visit me she will bring I-don’t-know-what-thing (I already forgot details!) but I almost yelled „I don’t want it! I don’t care about it! I want only you!” She was silent so I kept going „How could you stay away and let me go through this? Why didn’t you give me a sign that you still feel this?” But then I realized we were not alone in the room so I said to the other girls „I don’t want to talk about this in front of you and I know that everyone has a different opinion about this, but to me when one stays away that’s not love.” My alarm clock woke me up right then.
My subconscious is playing me for a fool.
Maybe that’s why I can’t stop thinking about her, I can’t stop crying, I can’t push her in the past. Because no matter how often I tell myself that she’s gone forever, that she left and she moved on although she has no reason to stop loving me (but she did it), my subconscious is tricking me, whispering something else, lies and false hopes, putting her image in my dreams and making me remember every night the feel of her soft skin under my lips, the sweet and endearing way she leaned in my embrace.

I need therapy. I need help. But I can’t afford it. I need something that I’ll never have. Oblivion. Except if…I kill myself.