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I was so convinced that she loved me as much as I loved her, that she wanted me in her life like I wanted her in mine, that I made her happy like she made me happy. I had my moments of doubt, but deep inside I was sure, I trusted her completely. It wasn’t a conviction based on my senses, my imagination or my wishes only. It was based, built on her words, actions, looks, touches.
Then, in four months, I found out some horribly different things:
– she can and she did leave me;
– she is perfectly fine without me in her life, dancing, partying, smiling, laughing, having fun, getting excited over other people, like I never existed in her life;
– she is ashamed of us, of what we did, of what we were;
– her memories of me are awful and hurtful and she desperately wants to reject them, reject me completely, and she succeeded;
– she doesn’t love me;
– I mean „absolutely nothing” for her.
Less than four months from „I love you” to „nope”, and we didn’t even exchange one single word in the meantime.
Asking myself „why” has no sense anymore, it just is and it’s incomprehensible.
And here I am, five months later, completely unable to do what she did.
Here I am, still sobbing at 4 am, crying on the streets and on the bus, falling apart in the shower, ambushed
everywhere by memories and choked out by longing. Wondering if there is something that doesn’t remind me of her.
Here I am, missing her every moment, thinking of her every day, wanting her back despite everything.
Barely existing. Finding this life less and less bearable. And a simple „nope”, and a simple „absolutely nothing” render me into a mess a despair, agony and death wish.

When you love you just look at her and believe all her words. Thousands and thousands before you failed. Dozens around you are failing. You know you’re not better than them. Yet you believe.
Because she’s the one who’s telling you all those things and you trust her, you’ve given her your heart and everything you are.
When you love you believe.
When she leaves you’re shocked and heartbroken. Thousands and thousands before you have gone through the same thing. Dozens around you are having the same experience. Yet you’re shocked and heartbroken. You never really expected it.
Because it was her. Her. Your everything. The one who said „I love you”, the one you believed and you trusted with your heart.
History has no meaning. We learn nothing from it.
We keep thinking „For me it will be different.” It wasn’t. It’s not.

Oh my God! No, no! This can’t be happening.

An alarm clock set earlier than usual woke me up in the middle of a dream. Disturbing, unsettling dream.
What I suspected is true. I dream of her, I dream of her every night, only I can’t remember those dreams in the morning.
But today I woke up in the middle of the dream and there was no way I could go back to sleep after that. I just lay there shocked and disconcerted, fighting tears. My subconscious is tricking me.

We were watching some strange thing on TV, a movie or something (there were two other girls besides us there) and it had an unexpected end that made them laugh. I didn’t get the joke so I looked at her confused and feeling stupid. At some point we got closer and she was leaning towards me, slowly, not touching me yet. I wasn’t seeing her face but I closed the distance between us, I put my arm around her shoulders and I kissed her temple. We stayed like that for a while. And, God! I can still feel the sensations. Suddenly I clenched my fist and I said „I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t go through this again” but I kept holding her. She moved away and then I saw her face wet with tears and my heart melted. I tried to touch her face, thinking that she got it all wrong and desperate to stop her tears, to assure her that I still love her. She told me that next time when she will visit me she will bring I-don’t-know-what-thing (I already forgot details!) but I almost yelled „I don’t want it! I don’t care about it! I want only you!” She was silent so I kept going „How could you stay away and let me go through this? Why didn’t you give me a sign that you still feel this?” But then I realized we were not alone in the room so I said to the other girls „I don’t want to talk about this in front of you and I know that everyone has a different opinion about this, but to me when one stays away that’s not love.” My alarm clock woke me up right then.
My subconscious is playing me for a fool.
Maybe that’s why I can’t stop thinking about her, I can’t stop crying, I can’t push her in the past. Because no matter how often I tell myself that she’s gone forever, that she left and she moved on although she has no reason to stop loving me (but she did it), my subconscious is tricking me, whispering something else, lies and false hopes, putting her image in my dreams and making me remember every night the feel of her soft skin under my lips, the sweet and endearing way she leaned in my embrace.

I need therapy. I need help. But I can’t afford it. I need something that I’ll never have. Oblivion. Except if…I kill myself.

My wrists are fine
My thighs, that’s a different story
No one will ever see my thighs again anyway

Alcohol, tears and blood
but the pain in my chest won’t recede
and I’m still thirsty
for you

Eurovision. Like a knife in my chest. My heart is bleeding ‘cause I was so happy and I’ll never be again. But it seems that we don’t have the same memories…or the same feelings about those memories. How can she not remember? How can she not miss that? How can she be so happy?
I should have gotten used to it. But I can’t believe she is so cold and cruel. Something is wrong. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Sleep ceased to be an escape for me; she’s haunting my dreams. This is getting too much, way too much. Where can I run away from myself?

I never thought I’ll be able to ‘talk’ to her so friendly, so…without resentments.  Funny thing, it feels great.

I’m absolutely sure this wouldn’t have been possible without someone who practically mended my heart. It’s a miracle I never expected, to be free of those awful hard feelings that bordered on hatred and poisoned my soul.

It’s like I’m talking to an old friend that knows me well and in the same time a different person than the one who made me suffer. Now I can see my mistake. I should have read the signs, understood that she didn’t love me, stopped dreaming, stopped asking something in return. But I was too blinded by my feelings and I held on some words, simple words. In the end I became clingy, even hysterical.

I almost can see the past with objective eyes. There’s no one to blame and we’re both to blame. Still it doesn’t matter anymore, it’s just an experience we both needed. Or not. But I think I have learned a few things from it.

Sometimes there’s a thought that bothers me slightly but I push it down quickly ‘cause it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m almost sad realizing that she never loved me. Not the erotic kind of love, but something more than mere friendship. I don’t know if I’m bothered by this because it makes me a fool or an unworthy person. But it’s all in the past and can’t hurt me anymore.

It’s quite amazing what someone else’s love for us can do.

 

When I met her she was an innocent child and I was heartbroken and blind to the world. I was an ashes storm, writing poetries for another girl and begging for her lost or non-existent love.
So I said it from the start, I can give her my frienship, but never a piece of my heart, cause my heart was given and denied.
It was a long way, it took me some time to consider her my friend. I’ve fallen slowly, without knowing. I realized late that she was the biggest part of my healing. The one who restored my trust, my hope, and healed my heart.
For a long time I thought that she’s just a dear friend, until I understood how devastated I would be without her.
It took me forever to say „I love you”. I’m quite dense, I guess.
This summer I found out what happiness is. I couldn’t deny the truth anymore, I’ve felt truly loved and happy.
If there’s a meaning in everything, then the meaning of my first, one sided and unfortunate love was to know what it means to be heartbroken in order to never break someone’s heart.
I had to know what false love is so I could recognize true love when I see it. Now I realize this and I try to be at peace with myself.
And if someone would ask me what love is, I couldn’t give them an elaborate answer. I just know it deep in my heart. Love is when I look into your eyes.